I am terrible at this.

Wow. I am a terrible blogger. It has been eight (8!!) months since I last blogged about my beautiful, awesome children and their somewhat incompetent mother. I would like to note, however, that my last blog post pretty closely coincides with our great move across country and my transition from working gal to stay at home mom. So, suck it, America! I've been busy. And depressed. And dirty from not bathing.

Lucky for me and you, I've been renewed and revitalyzed by the new year. I am taking some new drugs, seeing a wonderful counselor, working out at the YMCA, (I was totally singing that in my head as I typed it, can't help it) and getting some hobbies. So maybe, just maybe I might start blogging again, and how!

P.S. My babies aren't babies anymore but boys. Stinky, truck-loving, air-punching boys. Maybe I should change the name of the blog to I got plenty tiny martial artists. Or Baby-Fu.

*That is not me in the picture. I don't drink Franzia.

It Speaks!!!!!!!

Savion said his first sentence today and boy, was it cute. Daddy was applying hair smoothie after bathtime and Savion said, "Ow, Ow, Ow. That hurts!" Except it sounded more like, " Oh, Oh, Oh. At hoy." The cutest part is that he was totally faking. Toussaint is a tender-head like his mama. Savion has a very tough scalp. When I comb out giant ass ratties, he barely flinches. Either way, I'm a proud parent today.

Interspecies Warfare.

My dog has started a war with my children. I would like to preface all of this by saying that she has a doggy door with full access to the great outdoors (aka our backyard) whenever she needs to go.

In the beginning, it was just with me. She, rightfully, felt that all my attention was given to my sons. Issy doesn't take kindly to being ignored. So, she would leave a little pile of piddle on my shower mat occasionally. Each time I left without saying goodbye or played with them instead of her she would get her revenge.Her acts of aggression have slowly escalated to the occasional growl at one of the toddlers, peeing by their toy box, etc.... but TONIGHT, tonight takes the cake.

Drew was home all day with the boys because his mama, who usually watches them during the day, had jury duty. Well, I guess Issy felt off-put by the amount of daytime attention she was losing out on because her bowel and bladder have descended like the fury from hell. She peed not only on the usual bath mat, but peed and pooed ALL OVER both rugs in the bathroom like she a rapper in a strip club with a bladder full of champagne and a colon full of dollar bills. THEN she came out into the dining area and peed AGAIN all over the boys highchairs and on Toussaint's lovey, Sassy's face. This is getting out of hand. Unfortunately, as much as I want to teach her a lesson, I'm just not as ruthless as she is.

I'm worried she might bite one of the boys (They are pretty mean to her) and for those of you who know me you probably know that I was attacked by a dog at 2, bitten twice in the face, and still unhappily wear the scars. She is telling me that she isn't getting enough attention. She deserves to be the center of someone's attention, it just can't be mine anymore.

I love you. You destroyed me.

I love my children (I know, so cliche'.) I hate what they did to my body.

1. I have deep stretch marks on my hips that give me the willies when I touch them.
2. My breast are like two, over-sized golden raisins -the grossest of all dried fruit varietals.
3. I have cellulite in places no cellulite should be.
4. When I lay on my side, my stomach lays down beside me.

This all adds up to= Gross.

I recognize that I really shouldn't complain because I've always had a naturally sleek build that I did very little in the way of diet or exercise to maintain. Unfortunately, a lifetime of not having to do dick to keep up my cutie-patootieness has left me with some very bad habits such as not ever wanting to work out.

It has been almost 2 years since my sons were born and I've been secretly waiting for the extra pounds/flab to melt away on its own as it always has before. NOPE! I need to start an exercise regime. For the first time in my life, exercise is a necessity making itself urgently known by punching me in the dimpled, wrinkly, overhanging belly. In typical fashion, it couldn't come at a worse time. Never have I had LESS free time. Never have I been more exhausted (that's a lie but no one expected me to work out with newborn twins!)

I am unhappy with the way I look-clothes off and on. I don't feel attractive or sexy-though my sweet, sweet husband tells me I am everyday. I really need to suck it up and make exercise a consistent part of my life (AKA more than once a month.) The sad part is that even if I make my goal, change my life and my body, my golden raisins will still be there, hanging on. There are no work-out videos to target saggy, wrinkly breasts.

Life is a cruel bitch.

I over-use commas and parenthesis.

One benefit and cost of having twins is that they learn stuff from each other. This is a good thing when Savion teaches Toussaint how to work a toy. This is a bad thing when Toussaint teaches Savion how to push a chair up to the baby gate and scale down the other side.

Recently, Savion learned how to climb out of his crib. I went into their room one morning and found him wandering around the room with his toothbrush and the tube of toothpaste. Toussaint took one look at Savion's new found freedom and quickly joined his brother in the land of milk and toothpaste.

So after a morning spent frantically searching the Internet for truths (where I find all my answers to life), it was decided that we would make the transition to toddler bed. In my opinion, at 20 months old, my sons are decidedly NOT ready to make decisions regarding their sleep needs.

And guess what....tahdah! They are making terrible sleep choices. They play in their room an hour after bedtime. Theeeeeennnn.........they get up at 5 am, and theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnn..........they don't take naps anymore because they don't have to cuz they can just get up and play.

It's been hell. I'm exhausted. Drew's exhausted. The boys are cranky and miserable.

Someday our children will have the cognitive maturity to listen when we tell them it's nap time and nap time is for sleeping and beds are for sleeping. ONE DAY...........

On a lighter note, they sleep together in one crib. Apparently, they missed being together in the night. Very cute. Also, when they are out of their beds playing (when they are supposed to be sleeping) they laugh and giggle and talk.

They are so cute. And tired.

Life Lessons

Drew: "I'm so glad we finally got the rules to "I'm gonna get you" down."

Me: "What are the rules?"

Drew:"I chase you. You run."

Me:"How long did that take?"

Drew: "Well. . . we ran into a few problems along the way."

Me: "Like what?"

Drew:" Like I'd chase them and they'd stand there staring at me. Or they'd chase me."

Me: Oh. And now?"

Drew:" Now I chase them. And they run away."

Me: "Wait. When did you start?"

Drew:"Whenever Savion started walking. 3 months? We only had the weekends to practice and some weekends I wasn't up to it, so it's not really their fault."
Me:"Ok."

Drew:"Today, I added a new rule. If you make it to the end of the hall, you're safe. That's base."

Me: " But how can they ever make it to the end in time?"

Drew: "Well, I go really slow and I say "Iii'mm ggggoooonnnnaaaa gggeeeeeet yyooooouuuuuuu."

Me:" Yeah but you still make the decision about who's gonna make it to the end, right?"

Drew:" If they are bookin' it, I let them make it. If they fall, they're mine.

Me: (silence)

Drew:"It's good for 'em. It teaches them how to run away from things."

The Honeymooners! Part I

Although this has traditionally been a mommyhood blog, I feel that my honeymoon was a momentous occasion that deserves publication to the web. I want to remember the important details and they are already fading away.

Seattle
Even though we left our own super awesome party really early, we missed our flight. We were standby on the only flight that would get us to a connecting flight that would get us to San Juan before our cruise left at 10 pm THE NEXT NIGHT. However, the flight was full and it didn't look good. I was drunk and exhausted so Drew saved the day. He made friends with the gal behind the counter, pleaded and cajoled, explained we'd just been married. He pointed me out in my smeared eye makeup; stuffing my face with Ivar's clamstrips. I still had on my veil and a wife beater with BRIDE spelled out in half falling off rhinestones letters. Lady luck was with us. One person didn't show up and a second man stormed off the flight because he didn't get a window seat. We made it Atlanta by 7 am, made it onto our 2nd standby plane trip, and landed in San Juan, Puerto Rico by noon local time.

Puerto Rico

Before we got on the boat, I had a native snack. It was delicious and at $1.00, the cheapest thing I bought our whole honeymoon.
We didn't really know what to expect since neither of us had ever been on a cruise before. We learned that I get really sea sick. At first, I wore acupressure "Seabands." They are sweatbands that you wear on your wrist. They are ugly, uncomfortable, and don't work for snot.
Plus, they ruined every outfit. ---------------------------->
Then I got some anti-nausea pills. They were freaking awesome.









St. Thomas

In the morning we ate breakfast on our balcony. It was lovely until we got swarmed by a flock of seagulls and I had a panic attack.